A Woman to Woman Talk
by OriginalSharkBiteGal
Summary: Madame Frou-Frou is annoyed by Molly's constant pestering at one of Lord-Portley Rind's parties.


Archibald Snatcher was not very used to parties. He usually would stand to the side and watch the people talk amongst themselves and have a good time. He was never more than a shadow at these sort of events, but today he was actually standing in the Portley-Rind's house, in the middle of a crowd laughing and conversing with all the other guests as if he was the most popular man in town. On the contrary, he was the most woman in town. His usual greased up hair was covered by a tall, red, wig. His face that usually had an evil scowl spread across it now had lipstick and rouge in it's place. He even had on a floor-lengthed blue dress and tights to complete the look. No one knew it was him under the disguise. Here he was Madame Frou-Frou; the most popular woman in Cheesebridge, and the most attractive to all the men.

His persona took over easily as people asked him about his life and his success as a performer. Making up a fake background was actually a bit fun, mostly because the people actually bought into it all. He couldn't believe how blind these aristocrats were, especially the men. Practically all the men in Cheesebridge, especially the White Hats, were putty in his hands when he was Madame Frou-Frou. This was usually a benefit to his evil schemes, but there was a downside. He had learned very quickly that men, those of the upperclass in particular, do not know how to keep their hands to themselves. This just made his respect for them fall even lower than it already had been.

Still, the tight dresses, itchy wigs, and excessive groping was worth it if it meant he got his White Hat in the end. A White Hat was all he ever wanted, ever since he was a child. He watched as his father worked day in and day out, slaving for those rich bafoons, and what did he ever get? Nothing! Snatcher knew that was not the life for him though, he wanted to be somebody. He wanted to do what his father and his grandfather couldn't' do. He was going to be a great man, he could feel it in his bones.

"If you'll excuse me, I need to use ze ladies room." he excused himself in his crackerslavachian accent. The ladies and gentlemen all nodded understandably and went about their business. Snatcher made his way to the laboratory, but not to actually use it. He locked the door and looked in the mirror. An evil smirk crossed his face, he resisted the urge to give out an evil laugh. His plan was in full swing, it couldn't get better than this. Soon he would be in with the White Hats and have one all his own, he just had to be a bit more patient. He was almost there.

Looking in the mirror, he fixed his pantyhose, they were always being a problem. "How do women deal with this nonsense?!" he mumbled to himself.

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK.

"Yoo hoo!" a shrill voice called through the door. "Whoever is in there, I would like to ask that you hurry it up! You are taking a very long time and people are waiting!" Snatcher couldn't help but growl and the impatient women on the other side of the door. He quickly composed himself and then opened the door. "So sorry, my darling, you know how it is being a lady. We have to look our best!"

He stopped as he caught sight of the woman in front of him. It was that annoying Monte Cristo woman Mr. Pickles wouldn't shut up about. He contained his groans and kept up his persona as best as he could.

Molly gasped, "Oh, Madame! I'm so sorry I didn't know it was you in there. I thought it was Miss Petting again. She takes ages in there, you know."

Snatcher nodded, although he had no idea who she was talking about. "But of course, it was a little misunderstanding, but it is alright! Now I must be off!" he began to make his way back to the party, but Molly stopped him.

"Wait! Madame, if you don't mind me asking… I have a question. You are by far the most known woman in town, and everyone loves you. How do you do it? How do you get those men so flustered over you?" Molly was desperate for advice. She thought she knew how to catch a man, but the man she was after was a tough one to lasso. Having no success with Mr. Pickles, she needed to know what men found so appealing in her so that she could try it herself perhaps, and finally win Mr. Pickles' heart.

Snatcher did not have time for these games, he didn't want to help her. Besides, why did she need help? She was pretty enough, not his type personally, but nonetheless pretty to the average standard. "Oh, sweetheart, why do you need my advice, you are already lovely on your own!" she continued to walk as she flattered Ms. Molly.

The blonde blocked Frou-Frou's path as she tried to get information out of her some more. "That is very kind of you Madame, but you see there is a specific man i'm after and no matter how hard I try nothing seems to work! I just figured since you are the master at these things, perhaps you could give me some insight." She smiled hopefully, her hands together as if she were begging.

"And who exactly is zis man you are after?" He placed one hand on his hip, annoyed at her pestering.

Molly's smile disappeared as she tried to figured out how to explain her dream man. "Well, he's a Red Hat. Very tall, dark, and handsome! The bravest man in Cheesebridge, and he has stolen my heart away!"

That description made Snatcher stop and almost drop his act. By that description she had to be talking about him, who else was tall, dark, and handsome? Everyone already knew that Archibald was the bravest man in Cheesebridge, what with his heroic deeds capturing Boxtrolls every night for the past few years. He wasn't surprised at all if she was talking about him, he was rather irresistible.

He smiled down at her, "Well, dear. If zis man has had such an impact on you, perhaps the best thing to do is tell him how you feel."

Molly shook her head ferociously, "Oh no, no, no! I can't do that! Every time I talk to him I get rather… Well, I clam up a bit. Then when I don't clam up and I want to say something he turns it around."

Snatcher couldn't recall a situation like that ever happening, but went along with it anyway. "Well, i'm sure the great Archibald Snatcher is just unaware of your affections, you need to just be forward with him!" Molly paused for a moment, then broke out into hysterics. "What's so funny?" His accent dropped as she continued to laugh.

"I'm not in love with Mr. Snatcher!" she said between giggles, "I like Mr. Pickles!"

"WHAT?" he raised his voice, accent now gone. He quickly caught himself though and tried again, "VHAT?! My darling what kind of man is Mr. Pickles? Especially compared to that… HUNK Archibald Snatcher, hmm?"

Molly's giggle fest was over and she thought about what Frou-Frou was saying, "Well, he definitely is the third most attractive of the Red Hats." she tapped her chin as she thought about it more.

Snatcher couldn't believe this, "THIRD?! Who is ze second?!"

Molly smiled, "Why, Mr. Gristle of course!" she answered without hesitation. Snatcher's face and shoulders fell as he listened to these nitwit opinions. "Are you kidding me?" he muttered to himself.

Molly could see the disappointment on Frou-Frou' face. "But that doesn't mean Mr. Snatcher isn't handsome. I just like short men a bit. You know my ex husband was only about a foot taller than Mr. Gristle."

Snatcher's face contorted, "You have an ex husband?" This woman was insane.

Molly ignored his question and moved past it, "Archie has his good point too, like for instance he has beautiful hair, and he's got that mystery to him, it's exciting to say the least. But all in all, Mr. Pickles is the real man for me. He's tall, handsome, brave, charming, and best of all…" she paused to fantasize for a moment, "Those legs!"

That was it, the final straw. "Well, it was nice talking to you Ms. Monte Cristo, but I better be on my way. Can't keep my public waiting!" he quickly made his way down the hall and back to the party, but she was on his heels.

"Oh, but wait! Madame! What about your advice? What should I do to win Mr. Pickles heart?" she trailed behind him waiting for an adequate answer. Snatcher couldn't take much more of this, he stopped and turned back to her sharply. "Here is some advice! If you like him so much, why don't you go bother HIM and not ME!" With another sharp turn she went back out to the party, leaving Molly in the dust.


End file.
